“Depression taught me the importance of compassion and hard work, and that you can overcome enormous obstacles.” – Rob Delaney

Depression is a very tricky thing. You can go from the happiest person ever to feeling completely alone and worthless in an instant. Depression is often associated with other illnesses such as poor self-esteem, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and many more. And more often than not, depression (mental health) has a negative connotation to which then no one speaks about it. I’m here to try to bring light to this issue and to tell you that I live with depression and I want to tell you my story.

Here’s my story.

Grade school and high school can be a trying time for many people. I’d like to say that it was different for me; that it was easy, but I wouldn’t be telling the truth. I don’t remember exactly how or why I started having this feeling, but I just couldn’t shake it. I just felt like I didn’t belong there, that I didn’t fit in with anyone. There were a few kids in my class, and some kids in grades above me and below me, that would call me names, make fun of my voice, make fun of the way I walked, the way I sat, etc. Puberty already makes you feel weird enough, so adding in comments, looks, smirks like those didn’t help my self-esteem. It made me feel even more out of place; that something was wrong with me. I just wanted to fit in and be like the “normal” kids.

My sophomore year of high school, I knew that I had to change something if I wanted to feel like I fit in. But that change wasn’t good. I hid anorexia by saying that I was now a semi-vegetarian (I would eat chicken on occasions when I did eat). I wouldn’t eat at school, I ate very little at home. This went on until I went to college. I’m not completely sure of the reason why I decided to become anorexic; I think there were a few different reasons. I felt in control of something. I wanted the attention. I genuinely thought that I would look better. All of which I thought more people would talk to me and want to be friends with me. On top of that, I was still running cross country and track, so continued to lose weight. Was losing weight the actual goal? No. Again, I think it was a combination of different things, wanting to fit in being the foremost.

My sophomore year, I also started drinking more, staying out later. The attempt, not only to hang out with the friends I did have more but was to try to “look cool” and fit in with everyone. The attempt was lame. Although I was hanging out with my friends, I still left like I didn’t fit in. I felt awkward. I started being a little more recluse, having less self-esteem than before. This was one of the first times that I felt like I had nowhere to turn except to one thing. I turned to self-injury. I started cutting.

Many people turn to self-injury, cutting, when they just need a release from the pain they are in. “Self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration,” (Mayo Clinic). I felt all of those all the time. I needed that release. Sparing graphic details, it was so euphoric and I could feel an instant relief of what I was feeling at that moment. I can’t tell you how many times I did it, but any time that I got stressed, felt worthless, it was the one comfort and release that helped. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about it because I honestly didn’t fully understand why I was feeling the way that I was. When cutting started not helping with the coping, I didn’t know what to do next. I felt even worse. 

Nothing was getting better, I was feeling worse about myself. I felt like I wasn’t good at anything, I felt like I wasn’t smart at school. I just didn’t know what to do. I started to think, “Well, what if I just wasn’t here anymore?” That would take care of me feeling like this, it would take care of people not having to worry about me, and it would take care of me thinking about people not caring about me. I was talking to one of my friends about it and a few ways that I thought would be good enough. Now you are probably asking yourself, was he seriously contemplating suicide? Yes, I was. I felt as though there was no way out. My friend was concerned and told her mom about the conversation we had. In turn, her mom called my mom and expressed her concerns.

To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of what went on next. I remember being upset at both my friend and her mom, but I was also upset with my mom. I ended up going to counseling for a few months, but at the time I don’t think that it helped. I wasn’t much of a person to talk about their feelings, especially when I didn’t even know what I was feeling. The first couple of sessions, we really just sat in silence. He’d ask a few questions and I would give him the bare minimum answer. After those first few, I’m not entirely sure what came over me, but I remember distinctly walking into one of the last sessions and just telling myself, “You’re happier, you’re better.” I felt like a new person! I didn’t have thoughts of suicide, I didn’t feel like I needed to cut. I truly felt revived. Now that’s not to say that I had low moments every now and then, but nothing like it was.

I started college knowing that I wanted to help people that were like me, so I declared a Psychology major right away. I didn’t want people to have to feel and go through what I did. I wanted to make sure that no one ever had to feel like that. Fast-forward to the end of my sophomore year of college, I was meeting with my advisor, who happened to be the Director of Clinical Psychology, the graduate program that I wanted to get into, and she told me that with my current grades and GPA (mind you there most ‘s and some B’s) I wouldn’t get into the Clinical Psychology program. I called my mom immediately after leaving that meeting and began crying because I didn’t know what I was going to do then. I had planned from my Junior year of high school until then that I would go onto be a Clinical Psychologist and help people. That’s what I had been working for. It brought back many bad emotions; I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good at anything. My self-esteem dropped once again.

After I graduated college and I was out in the “real” world, I started getting anxious and overthinking every little thing. I was self-conscious about my work, about the way I look, about everything. With the low self-esteem, when someone showed a little interest in me, friendship or otherwise, I would think, “Um, do they actually like me? Why would they like me? They can’t possibly, actually like me.” So, when I was in a long distance relationship, I overthought every aspect of the relationship. It seriously drove me crazy, paranoid. Albeit, a majority of what my overthinking did end up being true, which doesn’t help me now. And it didn’t help when I was constantly being told that I had no common sense, “good thing you’re pretty,” that I didn’t know how to do my job, etc., my self-esteem was at the all-time low. Not because it was just someone telling me those things, but because it was my partner saying those things to me.

When that relationship ended, I had an extremely hard time. I believed everything that was said, I lost trust in almost everyone because I was constantly lied to, I didn’t think that anyone would ever love me again. I had a dark few years. One of the hardest things that I ever had to do was tell myself that everything is going to be alright. But for everything to be alright, I had to make some big changes in my life. Not just mental changes, but emotional and physical changes as well.

Flash forward a year, I’m now living in Kansas City, working toward something that I was told that I would never be able to do, probably the healthiest I’ve ever been, I have a puppy that I love to death and probably the happiest I’ve been in the last few years. Although I have thrived in Kansas City, it still has been hard here. I don’t necessarily feel like I fit in here, yet or at all. Trying to make friends has proven to be difficult, and I’m not sure if it’s just harder to make friends being older or just the community. A community that is all about inclusion is also hard to feel included in when you try to make friends with them but they aren’t looking for new friends. 

So, I still have moments of depression. You can’t really ever get rid of depression, but you learn to live with it and learn what coping mechanisms are best for you. I’ve learned that just being around Tucker makes me happy and relaxes me, talking to my mom relaxes and comforts me. I feel as though I’m pretty self-aware of when I start feeling depressed and I compensate for it.

To wrap this up, if you are feeling depressed, self-harming or contemplating suicide, know that there is help and that there are people in this world that love you and need you. I am always here to lend an ear for listening, a shoulder to cry on or just being there.

“The only reason I’ve shared my story is to take that tiny baby step of breaking down the stigma attached to depression.” – Clara Hughes

According to a 2016 study from the National Institute of Mental Health, 16.2  million adults in the United States suffered from a least one major depressive episode. A major depressive episode, defined by DSM-IV, is “a period of two weeks or longer during which there is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure, and at least four other symptoms that reflect a change in functioning, such as problems with sleep, eating, energy, concentration, self-image or recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

You are not alone. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for free confidential help, 1-800-273-8255 or visit The National Suicide Prevention website for many resources.